It’s that time of year again. While summer weather is still in full swing, the season is pretty much over for families with school-age children. As students start this new year, and coming from the perspective of a 30-year career in education, I feel there are several ideas parents might want to keep in mind to ensure that it’s the very best beginning. In thinking about that, I remembered a newspaper article written several years ago by family psychologist, John Rosemond.  It was actually a reprint of an article that was first written about ten years before. Apparently, he had received numerous requests from teachers to publish it again, and so he complied.

His advice, I believe, is right on the money and bears repeating. Most of the words are paraphrased, but I found them to be very relevant and made them available at the beginning of the year to the parents of my students at our Open House. I entitled it:

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What he says, and I fully agree, is that the “best students” are not necessarily those who make the best grades.  Rather, the best students are those who come to school prepared to do their best, to accept and fulfill their assignments, and to pay attention to what is being taught. Parents can begin long before a child sets foot in a classroom anywhere preparing their youngsters to be one of those “best students” by following a few simple principles:

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1. Make it clear to your child that disobedience is not an option.  I love this quote:  “Good behavior begins at home, not at school, and not even the best teacher can discipline a child who is not respectful of adult authority.”   Further, he says to make the rules of proper behavior clear to your child.  When the rules are broken enforce with a firm, even hand.  New research finds that a child’s level of self-control is positively associated with school achievement.  

Growing up, I always knew that if I got in trouble at school, I would be in far more trouble at home.  My parents taught me to respect adults, especially my teachers, and I never thought it alright not to do so.  I remember only one time my dad going to a teacher about me.  Then it was not to question the grade I had been given but to see how he could help me at home.  My parents listened to me complain, I am sure.  But never, I repeat never, did they not support the teacher.

2.  Assign your child a fair share of day-to -day housework.    Teachers have told Rosemond that the best students are usually those who have daily chores at home.  He says that it makes sense that a child who comes to school already accustomed to accepting adult assignments will have fewer problems accepting assignments from teachers.  The more responsible a child is at home, the more responsibility he/she will demonstrate in school.

(Notice that he said a “fair share,” not to be confused with slave labor.)

I appreciate that our daughter and son-in-law are already giving our grandchildren a certain number of responsibilities at home.  They pick up their toys.  They often set their table.  They think putting dishes in the dishwasher is fun!  Their pets are, for the most part, their responsibility. Even toddlers can be given simple tasks as long as parents don’t demand perfection but honor participation instead.

From what I have read about the Northwest Arkansas Duggar Family with all of their many children, they instill this sense of task commitment early even when their babies are just toddlers.  It’s obvious that each child has a responsibility within the family and is fully expected to carry that out.  (You can find out more about them at Discovery.com or TLC.)

Folks, that’s not punishment. It’s responsibility and children can learn to be responsible given opportunities to do so. Letting your little ones pick up their toys can become a lesson in sorting: colors, sizes, shapes. Or try counting with them. You’ll be surprised how quickly “work” becomes a fun time of sharing and learning. It doesn’t hurt that those toys get picked up either!

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3.  Limit electronic entertainment to non-school days and even then allow no more than five total hours per week. Rosemond remarks that research shows that screen time of any sort decreases attention span.  Learning from a real-life, flesh-and-blood teacher requires being ready to answer questions, memorizing, conducting independent inquiry, transferring what you’ve learned to paper, listening to the teacher’s feedback concerning your work and correcting your mistakes.  As for television alone, a researcher once found that truly gifted children tended to watch no more than 5 hours of television per week.  The national average is 25 hours per week per child.   IF YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO BE AVERAGE, LET HIM WATCH A LOT OF TELEVISION.

(Read that again, please.)

Keep in mind as well that children are using more and more technology in the classroom. Even Pre-K students may spend as much as an hour a day on some sort of electronic device in the classroom. Their minds, eyes and ears need a rest from an over-abundance of that sort of stimulation at home. I believe creativity and independent thinking are fostered when children are given an opportunity to explore their imaginations.

You remember that adage “Give a child a fish and you feed him for a meal; teach a child to fish and you feed him for a lifetime?” Try giving a child an empty box, a few pieces of colored paper or, perhaps, some finger paint. You’ve taught that child to feed his or her imagination. Coloring outside the lines? That’s perfectly acceptable if you feel lines need to be there at all. And the sky doesn’t always have to be blue nor the sun yellow. I rather prefer purple myself.

Teaching is sometimes viewed as another form of entertainment.  My students probably thought I was mean because I didn’t seek to entertain them.  Sure, we played a game on occasion IF it added to the learning and the thinking.  But I always told them that we weren’t High School Musical – The Middle School Version.  We were about real life.

And in real life, schoolwork was a student’s job.  I always felt it important for them to think that if they didn’t do it, didn’t participate, then they didn’t get paid.  Isn’t that the way it works at your job?

4.  Be interested in what and how your child is doing in school, but take care not to do his work for him.  THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INTEREST AND INVOLVEMENT. (Read that again, please.)  The interested parent says to the child, in effect, “I am concerned about your education, but it is ultimately your responsibility.”  The involved parent says, “Your education is my responsibility.”  Unfortunately, too many well-intentioned parents have unwittingly accepted or appropriated responsibility for their children’s school work.  The result of this parental benevolence is a child who has difficulty taking the proverbial bull by the horns.  New research supports this low-involvement parenting model.

One of the most frustrating things I dealt with as a teacher was when a parent took on too much responsibility for a child’s work.  For the most part, I could tell the difference in papers written by seventh graders and those written by their parents.  Yes, it is okay to assist.  Yes, it is okay to encourage.  Yes, it is okay to offer suggestions.  By all means, you must be interested. But no, it is not okay to do it for them.  But you already know that.

Oh, and if your child forgets his project and leaves it at home, it probably is okay to fetch it for him the first time.  After that, I think he should know that it won’t do any good to call.  Do him a favor; allow him to learn the consequences for his lack of responsibility. You’ll thank me for that later on, I promise.

5.  If your child’s teacher reports a problem, give the teacher—not your child—the benefit of the doubt.  As a rule, teachers are more committed to determining the welfare of children than any other class of professionals.  When a teacher says your child has a problem — academic or behavioral — it is with your child’s best interest in mind.  Curb the tendency to become defensive and, instead, listen with an open mind and an open heart.  You may learn something that will help you become a better parent.

Several years ago, my teaching partner at the time (Dian) and I began requesting of parents that they write a letter to us about their child.  We asked them to tell us in a “million words or less” what made their child special.  We didn’t want grades or test scores, but rather what would they have us know about their son or daughter that we might not otherwise discover.  I have to tell you that those letters were just wonderful.  Also, I must admit that I often began to view a student in a different light after I read what was written about him.  A big regret is that not every parent took the time to write that letter.  What a loss.  Those who did, tell me that it was a privilege.  Often they remarked that it was the first time in a long time that they had really given time and thought to how special their child really was.  So, if you are one of those parents whose child’s teacher hasn’t gotten around to asking for that letter, write it anyway. Take it out occasionally. You may just be reminded just how special that youngster of yours is.

Okay.  Here’s your homework.  What tips would you add to Rosemond’s? What do you do as a parent to ensure that your child has the opportunity to be the best student and person he or she can be?  I would really be interested in your thoughts, and I’ll be sharing those with all of you in a later post.

What’s Next?

I think breakfast is probably an overlooked meal in our hurried pace, but it probably is the key to giving  your child a better beginning to the school day.  From a teacher’s standpoint, I knew the value of a good breakfast for my students.  All too often I saw them with large containers of soda, chips, cookies, and even the very grandestsize of whatever their “flavor” coffee of the moment was (and these were seventh graders).  The immediate effect of that was a sugar high that only lasted a short time.

You’re not too busy to have a nutritious breakfast ready each day — for you and for your child. Next month, I’ll be sharing a few ideas that will help you avoid a hectic start to the day without sparing the nutrition we all need.

About Arkansas Better Beginnings

Better Beginnings emphasizes the value of quality child care while providing parents with resources to identify and locate quality child care providers in their communities. It also gives Arkansas child care providers tools for improving the quality of their programs at every level.

Whether you are a new or experience parent or guardian, a grandparent or a child care provider, you are sure to find some helpful information about programs and events provided through Arkansas Better Beginnings. Head on over to their web site and check it out.  I hope you’ll follow along as I offer suggestions and opportunities for Better Beginnings from a grandparent’s perspective.  You can call me Nana; that’s what the Perfect Ones do.

Take a look at what my friend, Stacy, had to say about her opportunity as a beginning to be new again parent.